This is edited from and e-mail I sent out recently. This just briefly outlines where I stand in certain areas of this issue:
1. Dating is different than courtship. While some may use the terms interchangeably, the idea is that there is no biblical purpose for dating and having an intimate relationship if it is too early, or the person is not ready for, or has no intention of getting married. In this case, a boy/man and girl/woman should remain friends, and act and treat each other accordingly.
2. While this is really covered in #1, there is no purpose in and it is unbiblical to have an intimate relationship and date an unbeliever. There is even the question of whether it should be subject to church involvement and discipline if necessary, if it happens.
3. Courtship is for a Christian man and woman who has gotten to know each other through or outside of church in group settings and believe that it may be possible that the Lord would have them to be man and wife, and so spend more time together in groups or alone together in public places to see if it is God's will for them to be husband and wife 'till death do they part.' I recommend a courtship of no less than 6 months and no more than 12 months with the parents active oversight (especially daughters), and the church's accountability (especially the elders).
4. Therefore there is no biblical purpose for passionate kissing/making out and being "all over each other" until marriage. Even once the couple is engaged caution needs to be used and it would be wise that contact be restricted to hand holding, non-sustained close hugging and short smooches ;- ). This is not about legalism. And I'm not trying to lay out what I believe to be an exact formula. I haven't read Harris' book in years. This is about using wisdom to help prevent sin during tempation. It's about not making provison of the flesh (which is biblical, right?). The longer the relationship (why I and many pastors do not recommend over 12 months), the more intimate and closer the couple becomes emotionally, and the greater the possible temptation.
5. Premarital counseling by one of the elders, probably the pastor, in several sessions before the marriage ceremony. I will not make a final decision about doing the marriage until after the counseling is completed.
6. I will not do the wedding for a believer and unbeliever. If the believer starts "courting" an unbeliever I will talk to the believer and tell them they need to repent and break it off. If they don't, then we may need to follow the the word of God the rest of the way through the church discipline process until there is repentence.
7. If your son or daughter is an unbeliever by profession or outward evidence (resulting in 2 unbelievers), I will not to the wedding in a church setting, and may not do it at all. I may recommend they just get married by a Justice of the Peace or recommend another pastor that will still do it.
8. I may not do the wedding if there was a previous marriage and the divorce was not biblically permissable. I realize that in our day and age there are some tough situations in marriages that provoke an unbiblical divorce, so I'll just have to consider those on a case by case basis.
9. I of course will not do the wedding for 2 men or 2 women!!!
10. Even for those proposed marriages that involve a Christian man and woman, I will only do the wedding if I'm convinced by time, testimony of others (including if one that is not our member is in church and what his/her pastor says) and outward evidence of faith. I may not do the wedding if one of our sons/daughters says they believe the doctrines of sovereign grace and wants to marry a pentacostal, paedobaptist (infant baptism), arminian (free-willer), or believes that anything they do is meritorious to they going to heaven. I of couse will not do the wedding for non-trinitarians, and cults such as Mormons, JW's and Roman Catholics.
1. Dating is different than courtship. While some may use the terms interchangeably, the idea is that there is no biblical purpose for dating and having an intimate relationship if it is too early, or the person is not ready for, or has no intention of getting married. In this case, a boy/man and girl/woman should remain friends, and act and treat each other accordingly.
2. While this is really covered in #1, there is no purpose in and it is unbiblical to have an intimate relationship and date an unbeliever. There is even the question of whether it should be subject to church involvement and discipline if necessary, if it happens.
3. Courtship is for a Christian man and woman who has gotten to know each other through or outside of church in group settings and believe that it may be possible that the Lord would have them to be man and wife, and so spend more time together in groups or alone together in public places to see if it is God's will for them to be husband and wife 'till death do they part.' I recommend a courtship of no less than 6 months and no more than 12 months with the parents active oversight (especially daughters), and the church's accountability (especially the elders).
4. Therefore there is no biblical purpose for passionate kissing/making out and being "all over each other" until marriage. Even once the couple is engaged caution needs to be used and it would be wise that contact be restricted to hand holding, non-sustained close hugging and short smooches ;- ). This is not about legalism. And I'm not trying to lay out what I believe to be an exact formula. I haven't read Harris' book in years. This is about using wisdom to help prevent sin during tempation. It's about not making provison of the flesh (which is biblical, right?). The longer the relationship (why I and many pastors do not recommend over 12 months), the more intimate and closer the couple becomes emotionally, and the greater the possible temptation.
5. Premarital counseling by one of the elders, probably the pastor, in several sessions before the marriage ceremony. I will not make a final decision about doing the marriage until after the counseling is completed.
6. I will not do the wedding for a believer and unbeliever. If the believer starts "courting" an unbeliever I will talk to the believer and tell them they need to repent and break it off. If they don't, then we may need to follow the the word of God the rest of the way through the church discipline process until there is repentence.
7. If your son or daughter is an unbeliever by profession or outward evidence (resulting in 2 unbelievers), I will not to the wedding in a church setting, and may not do it at all. I may recommend they just get married by a Justice of the Peace or recommend another pastor that will still do it.
8. I may not do the wedding if there was a previous marriage and the divorce was not biblically permissable. I realize that in our day and age there are some tough situations in marriages that provoke an unbiblical divorce, so I'll just have to consider those on a case by case basis.
9. I of course will not do the wedding for 2 men or 2 women!!!
10. Even for those proposed marriages that involve a Christian man and woman, I will only do the wedding if I'm convinced by time, testimony of others (including if one that is not our member is in church and what his/her pastor says) and outward evidence of faith. I may not do the wedding if one of our sons/daughters says they believe the doctrines of sovereign grace and wants to marry a pentacostal, paedobaptist (infant baptism), arminian (free-willer), or believes that anything they do is meritorious to they going to heaven. I of couse will not do the wedding for non-trinitarians, and cults such as Mormons, JW's and Roman Catholics.
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